Some 10–0 victories are straightforward. This one could probably do with a witness statement.
Yardley Titans welcomed Greenleys Glory to Yardley Gobion, fielding Nick Howard, Craig Brown and Ricky Taiwo against new Glory captain Lewis Copp, Ian Mead and John Moloney.
The final score was emphatic: ten rubbers to nil. The small print was rather less comfortable. Three singles went the full five games, two required escapes from two games down, and at one stage the table itself appeared to be on the verge of disciplinary proceedings.
Welcome to another perfectly normal evening in the Milton Keynes Premier Division.
The Postman: two deliveries against impossible odds
Craig ‘The Postman’ Brown has excellent hands, a wonderful backhand and the touch of someone who really ought to be playing a less stressful sport.
He also, apparently, enjoys giving his opponents a two-game head start.
Against Ian Mead, Craig dropped the opening two games 9–11 and 8–11. This was not ideal, particularly given that Ian is no ordinary visitor. In the 2023/24 Premier Division averages, Ian finished third with 41 wins from 47 singles (87.23%). Craig finished second, just ahead of him, at 87.72%.
In other words, this was not a case of the local postman being surprised by a competent customer. These two have serious Premier Division history.
Craig somehow fought his way back, winning 11–9 and 11–6 before producing a frankly ridiculous 11–1 decider.
Ian, an aggressive two-wing attacker and a fiercely competitive opponent, understandably found the turnaround frustrating. A few serves went astray; questions were raised about the table.
The Clubhouse Facilities Inspection Department has consequently opened an entirely fictional investigation. Early findings suggest the table is still rectangular, approximately the right height, and has been treated rather unfairly by the publicity.
Craig's reward for that escape? A match with Lewis Copp.
The newly appointed Glory captain is a developing all-rounder who loves retreating from the table and sending the ball back when most opponents think the rally is over. A very pleasant bloke, but an exceptionally inconvenient one when you're trying to finish a point.
Lewis took the first two games 15–13 and 11–8.
Yes. Again.
Two games down for the second time in the same evening, The Postman apparently realised that his delivery round was running late.
He battled through 11–9 and 12–10, then secured the fifth 11–5.
Two 0–2 deficits. Two 3–2 victories. No parcels left undelivered.
Craig also defeated John Moloney in straight games, completing a singles hat-trick that contained rather more jeopardy than the final statistics will ever admit.
Tricky Ricky: smiling through the suffering
Ricky Taiwo remains one of table tennis's great endurance experiments.
Some players win with explosive power. Others rely on technical perfection. Ricky smiles, runs, retrieves, and quietly asks his opponent to play another shot.
Then another.
And another.
Against Lewis Copp and John Moloney, the method produced two straight-game victories. Against Ian Mead, however, things became considerably more complicated.
Ricky raced through the opening game 11–2, before Ian responded brilliantly to take the next two 11–6 and 11–7.
At 1–2 down, many players might have begun searching for a tactical solution.
Ricky simply continued being Ricky.
The grinder took the fourth 11–7 and, with the same broad smile and stubborn determination, the fifth 11–7.
Another hat-trick secured. Another opponent left wondering precisely how many times a table tennis ball is legally allowed to come back.
If Craig delivered the drama, Ricky provided the resistance training.
El Capitan and the headband of destiny
Nick Howard would like readers to know that he played extremely well.
Nick Howard would also like readers to know that his headband looked magnificent.
For once, the scorecard lends considerable support to the first assertion.
Three singles matches against John Moloney, Ian Mead and Lewis Copp. Three straight-game victories. Not a single game conceded.
Against John, he recorded 11–6, 11–6 and 11–5. Against Ian, 11–7, 11–9 and 11–5. Lewis pushed the opening game to 11–9, but Nick took the next two 11–5 and 11–3.
There were no five-game recoveries, no structural questions about the playing surface and no emergency calls to the club's cardiologist.
Just controlled attacking, tidy blocking and the occasional reminder that being 6ft 4in provides a rather excellent view of the proceedings.
As for the headband, the editorial team has received repeated assurances that it is ‘really looking good these days’.
The editorial team's source is Nick Howard.
Independent verification remains unavailable.
An old face, a new badge
John Moloney may have looked familiar to regular Chronicles readers. He was also on the Headlands Harriers side that faced Bugbrooke Badgers in Northampton earlier this month.
Clearly one Premier Division isn't enough.
This time he arrived in Greenleys colours and found himself facing all three Titans, as well as lining up in the doubles. He couldn't find a way past them, but turning out against this particular trio is an unenviable assignment at the best of times.
John and Lewis were the pair sent out to tackle Nick and Ricky in the doubles. The home partnership won 11–7, 11–4 and 12–10 to complete the clean sweep.
Unlike the Badgers' self-appointed Waldner-and-Persson tribute act, this pairing avoided grand historical comparisons.
They simply won.
A concept the Swedish tribute act might consider adopting more quietly.
The Clubhouse verdict
Yardley Titans 10. Greenleys Glory 0.
On paper, ruthless. In practice, anything but effortless.
Lewis Copp showed plenty of promise as Glory's new captain, Ian Mead demonstrated the attacking quality that has made him such an accomplished Premier Division player, and John Moloney certainly wasn't handed an easy evening.
Craig Brown was the night's leading entertainer, completing two extraordinary comebacks from 0–2 down. Ricky Taiwo contributed his customary blend of cheerfulness and attritional table tennis. Nick Howard played four rubbers, including the doubles, without losing a game — and somehow managed to make his headband the fourth member of the team.
Across the five Titans matches covered by the Chronicles so far, Yardley have taken 47 of the 50 available rubbers.
The clean-sheet watch has another entry. The Postman's delivery record remains impeccable. And the club's imaginary facilities inspector has been asked to give the table a quick once-over before next Friday.
It appears the only thing in Yardley Gobion currently under more pressure than the opposition is the furniture.